Dear God, Church Can Be A Hurtful Place

Emmett Price defines “church hurt” as, “Pain sometimes inflicted by religious institutions a pain that distances sufferers from their communities and from God.” “Church hurt” has become a prominent discussion today within the Christian community. Being a millennial who has a relationship with Christ, I have witnessed “church hurt” being a huge part of why millennials are no longer wanting to attend church. In my opinion, I honestly believe “church hurt” leaves the victim with some tough decisions to consider. Do you let this experience turn you away from God completely? Do you let this experience turn you away from church? Do you punish any other person that has a relationship with Christ based on this experience? For the ones that may have caused the hurt, there’s a fine line between delivering the Truth of the bible and spewing judgment and hurt to your members. This topic is very close to me because I have personally experienced “church hurt”. For my readers, I hope my testimony will encourage you to get to know God for yourself so that you know Him so well that no matter what people say, you know WHO God is and WHO He is in your life. I have found this to be the key to getting through “church hurt.”

I personally experienced “church hurt” in my previous church. So quick backstory, I grew up in a traditional C.O.G.I.C. (Church of God In Christ) church; that “women wear skirts and no jeans” type of church. So a lot of stuff was pretty much a no go. I can remember how every transitional part of my childhood was questioned. When I started going through puberty, there was a concern about my clothes, when I joined the step team in school, there was a concern with me “dancing”, when I got my first boyfriend, there was a concern about me dating and potentially having sex. The list can go on and on and on. Needless to say from these experiences I had developed a huge issue with validation. I honestly felt like I needed to be perfect and I couldn’t make any mistakes because CLEARLY I was going to hear about it. I didn’t even realize how much I struggled with validation until I met my husband and he asked me, “why do you care what people think of you so much?” And then it made me think of my experiences growing up in church and I had an “aha” moment. Before my “church hurt” experience, the Lord let me know it was time to move to another ministry. He not only told me, He also confirmed it through 3 guest speakers that came to our church for certain events. I shared what the Lord gave me to my previous Associate Pastor at the time. I honestly believe his response was based on losing a member rather than seeking God FIRST and then giving me an answer. He let me know I was receiving everything I needed spiritually in that ministry. I thought that meant it wasn’t my time to leave yet so I stayed, despite what God told me. Let me just tell you right now! When you disobey God when He tells you to move, He will create a way that forces you to do so.

When my husband and I were dating he became the drummer at my previous church. My husband and I kept our feelings for one another as friends for a while. I just didn’t want to deal with any of the comments. Then we both decided to share and tell our friends, family, etc. because of course with anyone you are dating people can see that your feelings are beginning to get deeper for one another and after a while it’s hard to just keep telling everyone you are just friends. Once this happened, it began the battle. A missionary in my previous church called myself and my husband into a meeting with the Associate Pastor at that time. Her whole point of the meeting was that she felt like we were behaving inappropriately in church for a couple that was saved. Like sitting too close, she even referenced a time where he had to walk behind me to get out of the pew and she said, “he brushed up against me.” The entire meeting was pretty annoying honestly. My grandmother came with us to the meeting and she shut that down.

“The reality is,

JESUS

died for

your sins,

NOT PEOPLE.”

– Diamond Melvin

I’m from VA born and raised and my husband came here from NC for college. Once we met and he had finished school, he decided to stay. He needed a place to stay after college because he was no longer going to be in campus housing and my aunt opened up her doors. So after a few months went by I got my own place and my husband began staying over my house at times. Now I know the way that sounds, but nothing was even happening, but because it looked a certain way people took it for what it was. My aunt, the one my husband was staying with, felt she was in a very uncomfortable position during this time. She felt she was hiding that my boyfriend at the time would stay the night at my house. I assured her she didn’t have to take on that responsibility. I told her I’m grown and I will have to answer for my own choices. Needless to say the missionary that brought my husband and I in that meeting is one of my aunt’s closest friends. One day she called my aunt to ask her questions about my living arrangements, “Is Nick living with Diamond?” My aunt wouldn’t answer the questions directly so she took that as a yes. However, she didn’t stop there; she then called my father who at the time was a Deacon in the church. My dad just shut it down. He was like, “Diamond is grown, if you have any questions ask her, my daughter does not live with me.” So basically after this I was back in the office with her and the Associate Pastor, she wanted me to be sat down from all my duties in the church because of what she “thought” was going on at my house. The Associate Pastor at the time believed me, but the missionary had no respect for him; she would run all over him. So this situation became a WHOLE ordeal at my church to the point that my aunt kicked my husband, then boyfriend, out of her house and at that point he had to move in with me. From there I made the decision to sit down from all my church duties to keep the peace. But get this! The missionary only had an issue with what I was doing, she never questioned my husband’s position. It didn’t matter. This is when my family was fed up because I was just being singled out. If the issue was us living together before marriage, then why wasn’t my husband also told to sit down from his duties, it was only about me.

At this point I was experiencing so many things anxiety, depression, embarrassment you name it, I felt it. I was in a ministry that I could no longer be used in. All because of what someone “thought” I was doing in MY house. I remember the mother of the church told me, “Diamond, it feels like someone died here, like we are grieving.” It would be so heavy to walk into that church. My positions at my previous church were Youth Department President and I was over the praise and worship team. I stopped doing everything. One Sunday my praise and worship team needed help so I helped sing during the service. I usually sing with my eyes closed a lot, so I didn’t see it, but I was told the missionary left the church while I was helping out with praise and worship and went to my previous Pastor’s house. He was older so he stopped coming to church regularly. She told him I was singing and shouldn’t be because I was “shacking up” (living together with your significant other before marriage). So what do you know, later that day, I got a call from my Associate Pastor who’s questioning me about singing with the praise and worship team during service and he let me know that the missionary left service and went to my late Pastor’s house and at that point, I had enough! I called my family and let them know that I was not coming back! I remember screaming on the phone to my family like, “how am I supposed to forgive this person!?” At that point my family was over it as well, my dad said, “Diamond I just want you in church on Sunday, it doesn’t have to be here … you don’t have to come back here.”

I didn’t come back. Honestly I wanted to be done with church and God to be honest. I went down a dark path because people were so consumed by what they thought was happening in my house that they didn’t see me spiritually dying. I did have sex with my boyfriend now husband at that point because they thought I was doing it anyway. I was so hurt and broken that I didn’t even care. I had been in this church my entire life. I felt like I had been kicked out of my home. I felt lost and abandoned. Like the “church hurt” definition, I started getting separated from God and communities. All of my really close friends have amazing relationships with God and they always wanted to get together, but I would blow them off cause I didn’t want to deal with people’s comments. I felt so alone. I started attending my now church which is crazy because my Pastor now served in my old church years before he started his own ministry, that’s how we know each other. When I first started going I LITERALLY would cry and weep every service. Then one day, my now First Lady called me out of the blue asking me about inviting my youth to an event and I let her know I was no longer at that church. She then responded, “your transition has been hurtful hasn’t it.” I have never told her anything, even in that conversation I didn’t, she just began to pray for me. Then at another service she told me, “Diamond, we don’t expect you to be perfect if you join here, I’m still going to USE you in your mistakes.” That broke me down! I cried the biggest cry when she said that to me. As I mentioned before, I felt like I had to be perfect based on my experiences through church. But, this time the perfect girl messed up and because I had never made a mistake like this before, I did not know how to handle it! It literally was breaking me down.

Whew! That was a lot right! I know reading that might make you think, “Girl, how could you keep going to church after that?” “How could you still trust God?’ “Have you forgiven these people?” I’m sure that there are many questions you could ask, but I wanna share with you the lessons I learned during my “church hurt” experience. This was how I got through it.

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1. Do Not Let “Church Hurt” Turn You Away from God– The reality is, we don’t get hurt by the church, we get hurt by the people in them. I’ve noticed that people have high expectations for the people that go to church. We expect them to be perfect and to never be hurtful based on the life they have chosen to live, Christianity. However, that’s NOT reality! Christ is the ONLY one that is perfect. As His followers we are striving for perfection and righteousness. So let go of that expectation that when I go to this church everything will be great, I’m never going to be hurt, no one is going to hold me accountable etc. Put your expectations in Christ! Have the mindset that I am going to come here and glorify and worship Him. The reality is JESUS died for your sins, not people. (John 3:16) So if you are in this space I encourage you to think about that. Do not blame God for something that people have done, and keep your expectations in Christ, not people. (Deuteronomy 3:16)

2. Do Not Judge ALL Churches Based Off of One Experience– In this blog I mentioned how before my “church hurt” experience the Lord told me that it was time for me to move to another ministry and my work there was finished. I truly had a (Romans 8:28) experience. Even though I couldn’t see it because of the hurt, EVERYTHING was working for my good. When I left my previous ministry I asked God to lead me to where I should go and He led me to the church that I’m at now. God used my Pastor Jeffrey Johnson and his wife Lucinda Johnson God then to nurse me back to life. Everything that I needed during that time, God sent through them and their ministry. They never judged my situation, they never even asked about it. They said, “Diamond our job is to teach you the Word of God, and love you. We do not do God’s job.” God is the judge, not people. They taught me how God still loved me even in the midst of my mistakes. (Psalms 37: 23-24) When I disobeyed God in not moving when He told me to, He then allowed me to go through a trial that forced me to move because God knew that I needed to move to gain what I needed for my next step in my life, marriage. My Pastor and his wife counseled my husband and I before we got married when we were in our same living situation. If I would have judged all churches based on my experience, I never would have been led to exactly what I needed for this season in my life. That one experience does not define ALL churches.

3. Forgive Those Who Have Hurt You– Getting to this place of forgiveness within this situation was difficult, but rewarding. I realized not only did I feel pressured by my upbringing in church to be perfect, but some of my family members also were putting that same pressure on me. The moment when I asked God to forgive me for my sins and forgive others who hurt me I began to walk in my freedom. I realized I was holding myself in bondage and God had already forgiven me. The reality is God forgives easier than people, people will try to hold you to your past mistakes and transgressions but that’s not how God operates. (1 John 1:9) God being so amazing, He sometimes allows those who have hurt you to admit their wrongs. When you truly have the Holy Ghost, He convicts you of your wrong doings and it eats at you. God allowed family members to apologize for putting this type of pressure on me to be perfect, some of those who even hurt me in my previous church apologized as well. Forgiveness is key.

4. Extend Grace to Others – I extended grace to my previous Associate Pastor, the missionary and anyone that were a part of this. I realized that things were bigger than me. Leadership had some things that they needed to learn and had to make some changes. The message of God never changes, but your delivery should. They needed to work on their delivery. God used me for their learning because hopefully they learned to not treat others this way. I also realized that Leaders are just people too! As people we really hold those in leadership positions in church on pedestals and we should stop. No matter the title, we are all servants of God and because we were born into sin we are going to make mistakes and we won’t get everything right at times. I understand people can only give out what they have been taught and now that they know better they can do better. (Romans 11:6)

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“Church hurt” is a huge reason why people are no longer wanting to attend church anymore. But I think that is because we don’t really understand it. We blame God and the church on what people have done. It’s not the church that has hurt us but the people in them. This is why it is SO important for you to know God for yourself! I honestly would have lost myself if I didn’t have my own personal relationship with Christ. I want to encourage my readers who have decided to no longer give going to church a chance because of “church hurt”. Take your expectations away from people and put them in God. We need the church as believers we need to be surrounded and supported by a community of believers like us. For us to worship with one another in spirit and in truth, church is where a believer gains strength. Stop blaming God for what people have done and ask Him to lead and guide you to the ministry that you are supposed to be in so that you can prosper.

Love Your Sis,

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